All the skeletons in my closet come out.

#Now Playing: 
        Like It or Love It - Tiny Tempah
        Perfect - Simple Plan

So much has been going on the few days which lead me to straight up lose my appetite. Yall may be thinking: "wait..didnt you WANT to lose weight so losing your appetite is a good thing?"... but sweethearts, thats not what the case is...I would much rather gain 10 pounds than re-live last night.


My mind is everywhere and I feel like im about to explode if I dont get all my skeletons out of the closet so here goes nothing. 

I have never been one to give off the impression that i am weak. I try my best to not admit that I am hurting or that I feel like giving up on myself. However, there are the few that know how much little things get to me and how i hide it with a smile. (I am stubborn as h3// and to get through my thick head, it will take what seems like an eternity of telling me the same things.) 

Confession time: 
#1. To protect myself from getting hurt, I will rip you apart and break you down.
I was never able to stick up for myself up and would allow everyone to put me down until my sophomore year in highschool when my best friends taught me that I will never get anywhere. They were my true ride or dies when I thought no one was there...they fought my battles for me and eventually helped me get better at protecting myself from getting hurt.

                                     
                                                                      2011 - seniors

2011 - seniors

                                                                 2008 - freshman

                                                                2009 - sophomores

2011 - seniors

 #2. I am a total BITCH when you cross me the wrong way or I am trying to protect myself....I dont mean to act like a monster but I dont know the proper way to approach the situation in a way where I will know how to stay calm so therefore, I will raise all hell. 

#3. I have no problem putting anyone on blast when I am mad and I will say things that I will regret but I will never tell you I regret it. I will only apologize about it. 

#4. I will intentionally hurt you to show you all the hurt ive felt in the past and if you have hurt me. I have no remorse.  

#5. I lead everyone to believe that I'm perfectly fine when I'm not and I self destruct if I am alone. I make the wrong choices. But I figure it all out in the end.

#6. I have loaned so many people money but I have never gotten any back in return. I have loaned out a good 3 grand. I care for everyone more than myself and I have too busy taking care of everyone else that I forgot to take care of myself and when someone calls me "SELFISH" is when all hell will break loose and I will do everything in my power to bring you down. Those who know me best will tell you that I am the furthest thing from selfish. Who gives their ex a GRAND straight CASH so he can get the car he always wanted?..but then he uses it to pay rent on the house that hes living in with his baby mama he was cheating on me with?...1 of 5 girls he cheated with?

#7. Because of all my misfortunes with money...I will do anything to get my money back and i even go to the lengths of threatening to sue you. which I really will. 

#8. When I'm hurt...I push you away so much to the point where I am a COMPLETE BITCH to you and will tear you down and deliberately push your buttons to drive you insane. I will make you think as if I dont care at all about you. 

#9. I dont know how to properly communicate with others and make my feelings known without becoming a monster and doing one of the above. This may be because I never really talked bout my feels  with my parents. I wish I lived near my brother and sister in law so I can learn how to communicate as well as they do and I would have someone to talk to about all these problems instead of blowing up all the time. 

#10. I push the closest person away from me constantly. As messed up as this may sound: I push them away because in my mind I know they will stay and help me through it. The harder the times get, I will do it so much more. 

#11. I am so self conscious about my body that one wrong thing and I will blow up. I am constantly surrounded by skinny asian girls who are drop dead gorgeous and especially my own parents are constantly telling me that I am gaining weight every time i come home from break...

#12. I am currently self destructing. I want to give up on everything. This sucks ); 


so there are all my skeletons and if youre the type to judge....oh well. all of us have skeletons and the sooner we admit to having them and come clean, the sooner we can move on with our lives with a HUGE BURDEN off of our backs. 
I know I can now. 

Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.

                                               - Jonathan Lockwood Huie